They Need a Grandma Naming Book

 My sixth grandchild and fourth granddaughter was born the other day. In honor of this I'm posting a column I wrote back when I was about to be a grandmother for the first time. Let me say first, that I have no idea how I got here so quickly since I was a teenager only yesterday. 

For some people six grandchildren is a lot. For me, because I have seven children and these six kids come from only two of those kids, this is only the beginning. Fortunately for my children, there is no pressure to make me a grandmother. However there is pressure to make lots of money so they can take care of me in my old age so I'm not eating food out of dumpsters and living in a cardboard box, although that might be an adventure. On the other hand, they could just pass me around like a hot potato hoping they won't get caught when the music stops.

And now that I've rambled like all good old people do, I present you with "They Need a Grandma Naming Book."

As I write this I’m waiting for news that I’m about to be a grandmother.

Months ago when we first found out, the subject of what to call me came up.

“How about Grandma,” my pregnant 22 year old daughter suggested.

“That’s my mother’s name,” I replied. “Besides, I’m not old enough to be a grandma. I’m only 29.”

“Mom, you’re old enough to know what a Bay City Roller is. You have a record collection. You lived in an age before microwave ovens, DVD’s and personal computers. You didn’t even have VCR’s when you were a kid. You had to wait once a year to watch the Wizard of Oz. Mail and milk were delivered to your door. You remember when Michael Jackson had a real face. A world wide web was something that a giant spider created and the internet was another word for sex. By the way, you need to color your hair. Your gray is showing.”

“Well,” I said, “I called my adopted Swedish Grandmother, Kuemitati. I think it’s Swedish or Martian for Grandmother. Only she was such a good cook that we ended up calling her Cookie Tati.”

“Mom, you’re not that great a cook. And the last time you baked cookies was in 1986.”

“I baked cookies just the other day!”

“No, the Pillsbury Dough Boy baked cookies. You were just the first one to grab them out of the oven and eat them.”

I brought up the subject to my younger children.

“Hey, what about calling you, Granny?” someone suggested.

I instantly had visions of a hillbilly running around a mansion trying to catch a kangaroo because she thought it was a giant jack rabbit and would make wonderful stew.

“I know!” someone else said, “What about Granny Annie!”

I screamed. Not only were they suggesting that I be called Granny, but to use the hated nickname Annie on top of it!

But then, I got a picture of a really cool grandma who surfboards, goes on wild jungle expeditions and flies to the moon but sends her grandchildren postcards that simply say, “the weather is warm in Tahiti, having a wonderful time.”

“Hey,” I suddenly brightened at this image. “I like that. I think I’m going to write a series of picture books about Granny Annie,” and then I told them my idea.

“Yeah,” said my son, “and she has a talking parrot named Boomer Ang.”

And so it was settled, I would be called Granny Annie, because Granny Annie was cool and could do anything.

When my daughter heard she said firmly, “No one is calling you Granny Annie. You didn’t like the name Grandma because you thought it was too old. How is Granny better?”

“I’m embracing my inner Granny,” I said. “Besides, according to you I’m completely believable as Grandma, but if I’m called Granny, no one will believe it. It’s like calling a big guy, Tiny, or a stupid guy, Einstein.”

She sighed. “Why don’t we go with Nana.”

“Nana! All my life I’ve been saddled with jokers who like to call me Anna Banana and then howl with laughter as if they were the first ones to come up with it. Now you want them to call me Nana Anna Banana?”

“Granny Annie is better than Nana Anna?”

“Yeah. Nana Anna sits in a rocker all day and knits. Granny Annie plays in a rock band in Atlantis.”

“Mom, you knit.”

“Yeah, but I really want to play in a rock band in Atlantis.”

“You can’t swim. You can’t play an instrument, and you can’t sing.”

“Since when do rockers have to be able to sing? The point is, Granny Annie goes to exotic locals.”

“Mom, the closest you’ve been to an exotic local is in the supermarket picking out a pineapple and squeezing the avocadoes.”

“Exactly! Granny Annie can actually travel to distant places and eat bananas. Nana Anna can’t.”

“Why can’t Nana Anna eat bananas?”

“Are you serious? You’re gonna have Nana Anna eat a banana? She’d never live it down. She’d become a tongue twister. Nana Anna from Texarkana with a big fat fanna ate a banana in a cabana in Panama.”

“I don’t know what’s more disturbing,” my daughter said. “The idea that you came up with that from the top of your head, or the idea that you spend your time making it up.”

Besides, what’s wrong with just calling you Grandma?”

“What if your mother-in-law, my mother, and I are all in a room together and the baby calls out “Grandma?” She’ll have three scary women descend on her at the same time. It could cause a psychotic breakdown. Do you want that to happen? And won’t she be confused when two of those grandmas are old and one looks like she’s just out of college? Cause, you know people tell me I look younger than I am, and you know you’re mother-in- law is old enough to be my mother.”

“Mom, she’s not even born yet, can we talk about this later? I’m having a contraction.”

And so we wait. We know what my grandchild is and what her name is. We’re waiting to find out what I am and what my name is.

My New Website and Author Friend Jean Oram

Years ago, I created a website. This was before I jumped on the blog bandwagon. At the time, blogs didn't make sense to me. Why would you post your diary for the public to see?

My website took a lot of work because it constantly needed updating. I was using a program on my computer that didn't transfer to another computer and I'm not even sure it exists anymore. On the good side I did receive an honorable mention from Writers Digest as one of the best authors websites. They published the address within their pages. For those of you who don't know, Writer's Digest is the bible of the writing world. It is the first magazine writers go to for help with writing and the latest news. They have interviews with the successful authors in the industry. The current issue has one of Khaled Hosseini, the author of The Kite Runner. They also have extensive information on their website. Although they have always focused on traditional publishing they are now paying attention to self-publishing, epublishing and print on demand as well.

When I discovered blogging and how simple it was in comparison, I gave up my website (and the monthly fee) and never looked back.

Now I found a place where I can again have a website and it's easy and doesn't require special programs. I can set it up and still maintain my blogs by linking to the website. Updating the website is simple too, but it doesn't require constant updating because I have my blogs.

So after that long explanation, the unveiling begins (hey, there's always a long speech before an unveiling. Here it is. Appropriately named Anna Maria Junus.

On another note: Jean Oram is a writer friend who has been very helpful to other writers. We go to the same book club and a writers group. She wrote a terrific guest blog. 10 Ways to Give Yourself a Nervous Breakdown: Tips for Authors

She also has her own website. The Helpful Writer

And best of all, she's giving away her book. I don't know how long that will last. But it is high up on my must read list and I will be reviewing it on my book review blog.You can download the book from Amazon.

Champagne and Lemon Drops

Happy reading!

Crochet Bombs

When I was five I learned how to knit. I didn't make anything, just a lot of holes, but I learned the basics enough so that when I was 18 I was able to pick up a set of needles and start making and redisigning sweaters.

When I had five year olds I couldn't figure out how my mother taught me how to knit. These people that I had, although intelligent, couldn't do anything with a set of knitting needles except poke people's eyes out or make holes in the couch.

I taught myself to crochet as well. I was quite happy with these skills until a three year old got a hold of an intricately cabled sweater that I was working on and cut holes in it. I put the knitting/crocheting away and discovered that I really loved needlework.

All those beautiful pictures that I could paint with threads! I was in heaven, especially since my artistic ability stopped in the first grade. But I could make the most detailed works of art just following little blocks of color. I even did a little designing.

Lately I have returned to yarn. Perhaps my desire for homemade sweaters have returned. The patterns are more beautiful than ever.

Now crafters are known for going a little crazy. I think most crafters have an excess gene. The one that makes us collect more patterns than we can possibly make, and more fabric than we can sew and more yarn than we can knit.  And it appears that some crocheters just don't know when to stop crocheting. Personally I'm happy making sweaters and an occasional afghan, but some crocheters just have way too much time on their hands.

Need proof?

 Take a look at transporation. A new paint job just ain't enough.

Now, if you saw this coming at you, would it scare you?

On the other hand. This might be clever. Get your enemy rolling on the ground laughing and you can pick them off.

 Remember the Partridge Family? Except Shirley didn't make the kids crochet the bus cover, she just had them paint the bus, otherwise they wouldn't have had time to rehearse.

I always think these cars look silly in the first place. Usually you see a big guy squeezed into them looking like something out of a cartoon. I've always thought in a car accident they would just be squished like a bug.

This car is just asking for it.

 Not only did someone crochet a car cover using the pepto bismal yarn they had that no one wanted for sweater, but they also created covers for the friends that laughed at her.

I'm telling you, there's dead bodies there, cleverly disguised as art.

Take this to school and the kids aren't going to laugh at you at all.

And they won't throw things at you either.

And you won't be labeled as the wierd outcast.

Honest.

Yeah. Really, No, I mean really. It won't happen.



Filet Crochet

It has nothing to do with how you cut up a fish.

Okay, this is gorgeous.

But really, wouldn't it have been better to spend the time actually practicing the piano?

This is beautiful too.

But it won't stay that way when you have kids with sticky hands and cars that drive by spraying mud.














Yarn Grows on Trees

 Trees are apparently judging from all the pictures out there, the most popular thing to clothe.

I guess some crocheters are offended by naked trees.

I remember socks that looked like this in the seventies.

Do trees really get that cold?

Why?

When I think of all the babies and the homeless these blankets could cover.

There's actually some pretty cool crocheting going on here, but...but...

why?

Apple Crumbles and the Bird

A couple of weeks ago there was the news flying around Facebook about Abercrombie and Fitches owner, or manager or whoever claiming that he only cares about the "cool" kids and that's the only people he wants in his stores and that's why they only make clothes in size two.

Which made a whole lot of people mighty upset. How dare ugly guy (and may I say that although I myself do not find the man physically attractive, it's not nice to say that someone is ugly because everybody's beautiful in their own way - although this guy is an exception to say it about because dog gone it, he invited it) where was I? Oh yeah, people were more than a little perturbed.  How dare he make unfair judgements on people, they shouted,  and "I will never shop in his store again".

One guy even had a brilliant idea about this. He wants to gather everybody's Abercrombie and Fitch clothes and give them to the homeless so that the only people wearing those clothes will be the very people that A and F don't want wearing them.

It is pretty funny. And it clothes the homeless.

Which in itself is pretty funny in another way because every ad I've seen of A and F involves naked models who perhaps can't afford any clothes otherwise they would be wearing them. For a long time I thought A and F were selling sexual aids, not clothes. Where were the clothes?

Personally, I've never shopped at their stores. I don't think we have them in Canada. I know we don't have them in my town. So it's not problem for me to not shop at a place that doesn't have any clothes. Hans Christian Anderson wrote a story about an Emperor who walked around naked convinced that he was wearing clothes. I think A and F do the same thing as the fake tailors did to the emperor.

And frankly, the only difference between this guy and the other stores out there, is that he admits who his focus audience is. Every store caters to a certain clientele. There's some stores that you have to knock on the door, give a password and promise your first born timeshare to get in. Other stores sell to women who want to look like hookers or to men who want to be mistaken for deer hunters even if they've never held a gun. There are shops that focus in on the bigger clientele and some that only sell shoes and purses that require a mortgage.

So if A and F want to focus in on providing invisible clothes to nude size two models, then by all means do so.

The sad thing isn't the size they're focusing on. It's that this guy somehow has the concept that what you wear determines your coolness factor.

Which means that he was never cool and is still desperately searching for cool.

Here's the secret to cool. The really cool kids, don't care about being cool. The last person they're going to listen to is a cool wannabe grownup telling them what they should wear. The cool kid figures out what his/her style is and doesn't feel the need to follow others. The cool kid is usually too busy to worry that much about what is cool. They're getting good grades, or creating art, or being outstanding athletes, or doing community service or helping a friend. They're confident and kind. They don't feel the need to be exclusive like the A and F guy.

It would appear that the A and F guy has shot himself in the rear - which is pretty difficult to do and why would you because it doesn't kill you, it just makes it difficult to sit - because no one who is cool is going to want to be seen in his store after this. Those that will be in his store will be seen as desperate wannabe's, which is so not cool.

So what this guy said, doesn't bother me in the least. It's sad really because he just doesn't get it yet. A and F, if you want to focus in on a small group of people who won't shop in your stores now, then go for it.

The Descendant Review is on the Horizon

I firmly believe in helping and supporting other writers. I hope they do the same for me.

Next week I will be reviewing Descendant by Nichole Giles on my Views From Hobbit Hole book review blog. Yes, I was asked to review it - or I volunteered, depending on how you look at it, but I'm always honest in my reviews which authors don't always appreciate, because it's their baby and how can they sell books and become millionaires when someone is finding things wrong with the book.

At this point I haven't read Descendant so I have no idea what kind of review I'm going to write. I really, really, really want to write a good one, because that's just the kind of person I am.

And I'm doing an interview as well. So hang in there, it's coming!

In the meantime you can read this about it.

About DESCENDANT: Seventeen-year-old Abigail Johnson is Gifted.

Blessed-or cursed-with Sight and Healing, Abby lives an unsettled life, moving from place to place and staying one step ahead of the darkness that hunts her. When she arrives in Jackson, Wyoming, she is desperate to maintain the illusion of normalcy, but she is plagued with visions of past lives mixed with frightening glimpses of her future. Then she meets Kye, a mysterious boy who seems so achingly familiar that Abby is drawn to him like he's a missing piece of her own soul.

Before Abby can discover the reason for her feelings toward Kye, the darkness catches up to her and she is forced to flee again. But this time she's not just running. She is fighting back with Kye at her side, and it's not only Abby's life at stake.

Buy Links:

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Descendant-Nichole-Giles/dp/1936850672/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1367250204&sr=8-1&keywords=descendant+nichole+giles

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/descendant-nichole-giles/1114967746?ean=9781936850679

Book Depository: http://www.bookdepository.com/Descendant-Nichole-Giles/9781936850679

Indiebound: http://www.indiebound.org/book/9781936850679

On Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17332031-descendant

Praise for DESCENDANT: "A hot new spin on paranormal, Descendant is refreshingly imaginative and powerful. I can't decide which was best -- piecing together Abby's sinister past or keeping up with her heartbreaking future. If you like your YA laced with melt-my-heart romance and a good helping of heart-pounding suspense, you'll love this book!" -- Michelle Davidson Argyle, author of The Breakaway

"Nichole Giles has crafted a story that breathes from the pages. Her characters are authentic, the action intense, with powerful emotions that will keep Descendant on your mind long after the book ends. Open your eyes to another facet of our world in Descendant and you'll be sucked into an adventure with Abby and Kye, that will explore the power of gifts, courage, and love. With top-notch writing, Giles has crafted a story that breathes from the pages." --Rachelle J. Christensen, award-winning author of Wrong Number and Caller ID

"Nichole Giles brings a fresh new voice and flawless writing technique to the world of Young Adult fiction. I was swept away to another place and never wanted to come back." --Tristi Pinkston, author of Turning Pages and the Secret Sisters mystery series

"This debut novel delivers in all the right ways, with heart-pounding action and a delicious romance that sweeps centuries. I loved it!" --Elana Johnson, author of Possession and Surrender

About Nichole Giles: Nichole Giles was born in Nevada, and moved with her parents to a number of cities in and around the West. Writing is her passion, but she also loves to spend time with her husband and four children, travel to tropical and exotic destinations, drive in the rain with the convertible top down, and play music at full volume so she can sing along.   

It's What I Didn't Do That Was Stupid

I can only blame myself.

When I wrote Thimble Fingers I created an entire village. Well really, it's an outdoor mall made up of cottages, each one a specialty shop. I named streets, I described the stores. I described the owners and other people attached to the stores. I made up this little universe.

And I didn't keep notes.

I guess you can't keep notes if you don't make them.

This is not a problem if it were one book. But this book is the first in a series. Each book focuses in on the life of a shop owner. They walk the same streets and meet the same people as my protagonist in Thimble Fingers did.

Which means I have to be careful about where I put the shops in relation to the mall, what the stores look like, who runs them, the names of the shops, the spellings of the people and so on and so on and so on.

I was fine until I sat down to write the second in the series and I had my characters walking along one of the streets and I couldn't remember the name of a shop.

Now mind you, I had only mentioned the name of the shop once and it was just glossed over, but now I wanted to visit that shop, but I couldn't.

So what this means is that I'm doing what I should have done all along. I've created a spreadsheet with all this information. Well I've created the spreadsheet, now I have to put in all the information.

Which means going over my already published book line by line to find the info.

This is taking forever. How could I have possibly had all this in my head at one point? There's like a million characters and a few thousand stores and - okay not really, but there is an awful lot. And I managed to keep all the characters relationships straight and it's really a wonder that I could do all that.

For the most part I still can, although it was a bit of a wake up call when someone on Shelfari made a list of characters - quite nice of them and very impressive - and I didn't remember the names of some of them.

So now I am making lists of all these things because even if I remember it now, I won't remember it when I get to book five and I'll want to visit a character that was mentioned in passing or a store that was talked about off hand.

And while I'm making this spreadsheet I'm realizing that I'm going to have to have a page of notes for each character and each store.

I thought it was good enough to have a rough map and a list of the stores, but when I went to my original notes I discovered that some of the names of stores and streets had been changed.

My thirteen year -old daughter is shaking her head at me. "Why didn't you do this before?" she asked.

Well, who wants to stop and make spreadsheets when the characters are doing such crazy things? I had to find out what was going to happen next.

I keep telling myself that this is indeed part of the writing process even though it sure doesn't feel like it and even though it's taking a long time it will save me time in the long run.

I have to tell myself that a lot. It's hard to remember to tell myself that when I keep banging my head repeatedly against my desk.

There is going to be a lot of chocolate eaten around here.

The Socialist Experiment that Wasn't Socialist - Or a Real Experiment

There’s this story going around the internet – what story isn’t – about a professor who is teaching his students about socialism. Although, he’s not really teaching them socialism because this is not what socialism is. Anyway, it’s passed around by people who don’t believe in welfare programs and figure that it’s okay to let children starve. Here it is and the problems with this experiment, which by the way, never actually happened. It’s just a made up story. You can also check it out at snopes.

An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had never failed a single student before but had, once, failed an entire class. The class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so tey studied little ...

The second Test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F. The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for anyone else. All failed to their great surprise and the professor told them that socialism would ultimately fail because the harder to succeed the greater the reward but when a government takes all the reward away; no one will try or succeed.

Okay, sounds pretty clear, doesn’t it. If there’s no reward then no one does the work. I can’t argue with that. I know that people need rewards. 

But the experiment isn’t based on reality.  You have a group of students who all have several things in common. They all are there because they believe in some form of education. Otherwise they wouldn’t be there. They all have the same chance at success. There’s no barriers to any of them. Sure, a couple of them may have a learning disability which they’ve learned to cope with, a couple more may have kids that make it harder to do the work, and quite a few of them have jobs, and one has an insane school workload and another  is serving on various school committees which limits their time, but overall, these students are all equal and have roughly the same chance.

Now if you want to make this experiment more like life, then the professor would have to divide the students up into groups. Group A has no limitations. Group B can only use research found within the college itself. Group C isn’t allowed to use the school library. Group D can’t talk to any one about their research, so no interviews or outside help.  Group E  can’t use computers at all but they are still expected to hand in a type written assignment. Group F can’t use their hands.  Group G can’t start work on their papers until the day before it’s due.  Group H will not get an A or a B no matter what they do.

Unfair? Yep. That’s life. Obviously those that are in limited groups are going to have far more obstacles than those who have less limitations and certainly Group A has the best chance of success.

What is often seen in life, is that Group A will be very critical of Group H for not getting an A and naturally Group H is resentful of Group A’s success and if they can’t succeed it would be equally natural for them to give up trying.

In the above scenario, if everyone is graded together then naturally they will not succeed.

Unless they help each other.

That does not mean that those who have plenty do the work of those who don’t, but it does mean that they offer help and try and bridge the gaps that exist.

The truth is, that we expect so much more from people who have little than we do from people that have a lot. Why is that?

Baby A (lets call him Rich) is born to parents who come from a long line of wealth. Dad went to Harvard, Mom went to Columbia. There are servants, private schools, trips to Europe and lessons in horseback riding, tennis, and foreign languages.

Baby B, Tom, is born to a single mom (recently divorced) who works making minimum wage. He goes to the local school and when he comes home there really isn’t any place to do his homework because there’s too much noise and distraction in the small apartment which he shares with his Mom and sisters. 

When Rich graduates from high school he gets into Harvard because his dad went there. Rich struggled in school, but his parents were able to hire a private tutor to help him through it. Rich parties and at one point he gets arrested but charges are dropped because of connections that his dad has. Eventually Rich graduates and instantly gets a job in his Dad’s company which he doesn’t have to apply for. When Rich decides he doesn’t want to work there, his Dad calls up one of his Harvard Frat friends and finds Rich a job in a company that’s better suited to Rich. When Rich gets married Mom and Dad present Rich and his new wife with a brand new house as a wedding present. 

Tom manages to get through high school as well, even though he also works at a part time job to help support the family. His grades suffer because of his outside job that takes up so much of his time and he doesn’t have many options as far as college. He can’t afford college anyway and he doesn’t dare take out a loan. Mom taught him not to get into debt.  It would just be another bill to pay. When the store that he works at closes down, he can’t find another job. He goes from place to place but his clothes are a little rough, or he doesn’t have the skills, or he doesn’t have enough education.  Tom doesn`t have connections to get a job. No one wants to give him a chance because there are shinier kids out there with better prospects.  Tom decides to go to a different city for a chance so he hitchhikes to a different town, but things aren`t better for him there, and he ends up sleeping on park benches asking for hand outs. Meanwhile, his mom has lost her job and can`t help him. 

Sure these stories are cliché, but that`s because they happen.

And yet people will criticize Tom for not doing better and admire Rich for succeeding. Rich would have had to screw up badly to not succeed and Tom would have had to be an extraordinary individual with a lot of luck to achieve a fraction of what was handed to Rich. 

So back to the experiment. Without help everyone in that class will fail, not because there`s no reward to those who have no limitations, but because it`s impossible to succeed when you don`t have the tools of success. The only way for the class to succeed is to ditch the "every man for himself” mentality and work together. Will there be slackers? Of course. There’s always slackers. But there are enough people who will work so that the slackers don’t heavily influence the outcome.

And the reward for the stars? Well, certainly they don’t get any better grade than anyone else in this class, but if any of them need a letter of recommendation, who is the teacher going to give it to? The ones who earned the A’s because he knows who they are. In fact if there’s anything those A students need from that teacher, they will be likely to get it. The work and study skills carry over to other classes as well where they will be rewarded for their efforts. And let’s not forget the lessons they will have learned by helping others.

In the end, we all get rewarded for our efforts even if it isn’t immediate, because the one that passes out the rewards, does know us best.